The Whorebit
by dmdl12
Summary: A parody of J.R.R Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' It is about a Whorebit named Dildo Faggins who travels with his horny dwarven partners and a very gay wizard to find the hidden treasures of a very horny (both sexual and spiky) dragon.


The Whorebit

By dmdl12

Character List:

Bilbo Baggins-Dildo Faggins

Gandalf-Gaydalf

Dwalin-Dicklin

Balin-Balls

Fili-Feely

Kili-Kock

Dori-Dick

Ori-Horni

Nori-Niglet

Oin-Ova

Gloin-Groin

Bifur-Bitchass

Bofur-Bollocks

Bombur-Boner

Thorin Oakenshield-Thundercunt Ovaryshield

Smaug-Splooge

Chapter 1: An Unexpected Orgy  
In a brothel in the ground there lived a Whorebit. Not a nasty, dirty, diseased Brothel filled with cum stains and an anus smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy Brothel with nothing in it to sit down on or to get high off: it was a Whorebit Brothel, and that means entertainment. It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without jizz stains, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of poles for strippers - the Whorebit was fond of customers. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill - The Hood, as all the people for many miles round called it - and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. No going upstairs for the Whorebit: bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, glory holes (lots of these), dungeons (he had whole rooms devoted to sex toys), kitchens, private rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have glory holes, deep-set round holes looking into a small room for the entertainer, dancing and sucking.

This Whorebit was a very well-to-do Whorebit, and his name was Faggins. The Fagginses had lived in the Red Light District of The Hood for time out of mind, and people considered them very pleasurable, not only because most of them were entertaining, but also because they never had any sex adventures or did anyone unexpected: you could tell what a Faggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him. This is a story of how a Faggins had a sex adventure, found himself doing and sucking things altogether unexpected. He may have lost the neighbour's respect, but he gained well, you will see whether he gained anything in the end.

The mother of our particular Whorebit what is a Whorebit? I suppose Whorebits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People, as they call us. They are the same as hobbits except whores. Whorebits have no STDs. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which helps them to wank quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you and me come ejaculating along, erect as elephants which they can hear a mile off. The males are inclined to be protruding at the groin; they dress in g-strings (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow natural leathery soles and thick warm brown hair like their pubes(which is curly); have long clever brown fingers for rubbing, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs (especially after sex, which they have 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999 a day (when they can get it).

Now you know enough to go on with. As I was saying, the mother of this Whorebit - of Dildo Faggins, that is - was the slutty Belladonna Took, one of the three stripper daughters of the Old Took, head of the Whorebits who lived across The Water, the small river that ran at the foot of The Hood. It was often said (in other families) that long ago one of the Took ancestors must have taken a porn star wife. That was, of course, absurd, but certainly there was still something not entirely Whorebit-like about them, - and once in a while members of the Took-clan would go and have sex adventures. They discreetly disappeared, and the family hushed it up; but the fact remained that the Tooks were not as respectable as the Fagginses, though they were undoubtedly richer. Not that Belladonna Took ever had any adventures after she became Mrs. Bungo Faggins. Bungo, that was Dildo's father, built the most luxurious Brothel for her (and partly with her money) that was to be found either under The Hood or over The Hood or across The Water, and there they remained to the end of their days. Still it is probable that Dildo, her only failed abortion, although he looked and behaved exactly like a second edition of his always erect and horny father, got something a bit queer in his makeup from the Took side, something that only waited for a chance to come out. The chance never arrived, until Dildo Faggins was grown up, being about fifty years old or so, and working in the beautiful Brothel built by his father, which I have just described for you, until he had in fact apparently settled down immovably.

By some curious chance one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, and the Whorebits were still horny and erect, and Dildo Faggins was standing at his door after breakfast, wanking his enormous long dick that reached nearly down to his woolly toes (neatly brushed) - Gaydalf came by. Gaydalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion. He had not been down that way under The Hood for ages and ages, not since his friend the Old Took was raped to death, in fact, and the Whorebits had almost forgotten what his dick felt like. He had been away over The Hood and across The Water on business of his own since they were all small Whorebit-boys and Whorebit-girls. All that the unsuspecting Dildo saw that morning was an old man with a hard dick. He had a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, a silver scarf over which a white beard hung down below his waist, and immense black boots. "Horny morning!" said Dildo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gaydalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat. "What do you mean?" he said. Do you wish me a horny morning, or mean that it is a horny morning whether I want not; or that you feel horny this morning; or that it is morning to be horny on?"  
"All of them at once!" said Dildo." And a very fine morning for a rub of my dick out of doors, into the bargain. If you have lube about you, sit down and have a feel of mine! There's no hurry, we have all the day before us!" Then Dildo sat down on a seat by his door, crossed his legs, and ejaculated out a beautiful glob of jizz that sailed up into the air without breaking and coated Gaydalf's face. "Very pretty!" said Gaydalf. "But I have no time to masturbate this morning. I am looking for someone to share in a sex adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone." "I should think so - in these parts! We are plain, horny folk and have no use for sex adventures. Nasty, disgusting, unhygenic things! Make you late for sex! I can't think what anybody sees in them!" said our Mr. Faggins, and stuck one thumb up his arse, and blew out another even bigger jizz glob. Then he took out his morning porn magazines, and began to read, pretending to take no more notice of the old man. He had decided that he was not quite his sort, and wanted him to go away. But the old man did not move. He stood leaning on his dick and ogling at the Whorebit without saying anything, till Dildo got quite horny and even a little aroused. "Horny morning!" He said at last. We don't want any sex adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hood or across The Water." By this he meant that the conversation was at an end.

"What a lot of things you do use Horny morning for!" said Gaydalf. "Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won't be horny till I move off."

"Not at all, not at all, my arousing sir! Let me see, I don't think I know your name?"

"Yes, yes, my dear sir - and I do know your name, Mr Dildo Faggins. And you do know my name, though you don't remember that I belong to it. I am Gaydalf, and Gaydalf means me! To think that I should have lived to be horny-morninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling condoms at the door! "Gaydalf, Gaydalf! Good gracious me! Not the wanking wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic dildos that fastened themselves and never came unstuck till ordered? Not the fellow who used to tell such arousing tales at parties, about sluts and ganbangs and rape and the rescue of sluts and the unexpected luck of widows sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent Viagra! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Splendid! They used to make us go up like great serpents and shoot masses of jizz and hang in the twilight all evening!" You will notice already that Mr Faggins was not quite as straight as he liked to believe, also that he was very fond of dicks. "Dear me!" He went on. "Not the Gaydalf who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the Blue and never being seen again. Anything from humping trees to raping Elves - or fucking in ships, sailing to other shores! Bless me, life used to be quite inter- I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time. I beg your pardon, but I had no idea you were still in business. " "Where else should I be?" said the wizard. "All the same I am aroused to find you remember something about me. You seem to remember my Viagra kindly, at any rate, land that is not without hope. Indeed for your old grand-father Took's sake, and for the sake of poor Belladonna, I will give you what you asked for." "I beg your pardon, I haven't asked for anything!" "Yes, you have! Twice now, my pardon. I give it you. In fact I will go so far as to jizz in your face and send you on this adventure. Very arousing for me, very good for you and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it.  
"Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Horny morning! But please come to my glory hole - any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow! Good-bye!"

With that the Whorebit turned and scuttled inside his round green door, and shut it as quickly as he dared, not to seen rude. Wizards after all are wizards. 'What on earth did I ask him to the glory hole for?' He said to him-self, as he went to the dungeon. He had only just had a wank, but he thought another wank or two and a sniff of something would do him good after his fright. Gaydalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and wanking long but quietly. After a while he stepped up, and with the tip of his dick, jizzed a queer sign on the Whorebit's beautiful green front-door. Then he strode away, just about the time when Dildo was finishing his second wank and beginning to think that he had escaped sex adventures very well.

The next day he had almost forgotten about Gaydalf. He did not remember things very well, unless he put them down on his Engagement Tablet: like this: Gaydalf, Wednesday. Yesterday he had been too horny to do anything of the kind. Just before stripper-time there came a tremendous ring on the front-door bell, and then he remembered! He rushed and put on the fishnet suit, and put on another condom and lube an extra dildo or two, and ran to the door. "I am so sorry to keep you waiting!" he was going to say, when he saw that it was not Gaydalf at all. It was a dwarf with a blue dick tucked into a golden belt, and very bright eyes under his dark-green hood. As soon as the door was opened, he pushed inside, just as if he had been expected.

He hung his g-string on the nearest peg, and, "Dicklin at your service!" he said with a low bow.

"Dildo Faggins at yours!" said the Whorebit, too surprised to ask any questions for the moment. When the silence that followed had become uncomfortable, he added: "I am just about to take a wank; pray come and have sex with me." A little stiff perhaps, but he meant it kindly. And what would you do, if an uninvited dwarf came and hung his things up in your hall without a word of explanation?

They had not been at table long; in fact they had hardly reached the third fuck, when there came another even louder ring at the bell. "Excuse me!" said the Whorebit, and off he went to the door.

"So you have got here at last!" was what he was going to say to Gaydalf this time. But it was not Gaydalf. Instead there was a very old looking dwarf on the step with a white beard and a scarlet g-string; and he too hopped inside as soon as the door was open, just as if he had been invited.

"I see they have begun to arrive already," he said when he caught sight of Dicklin's green G-string hanging up. He hung his red one next to it, and "Balls at your service!" he said with his hand on his dick.

"Thank you!" said Dildo with a gasp. It was not the correct thing to say, but they have begun to arrive had flustered him badly. He liked customers, but he liked to know them before they arrived, and he preferred to ask them himself. He had a horrible thought that the Viagra might run short, and then he-as the host: he knew his duty and stuck to it however painful he might have to go without.

"Come along in, and have some Viagra," he managed to say after taking a deep breath.

"A little suck would suit me better, if it is all the same to you, my good sir," said Balls with the white beard." But I don't mind some chocolate flavoured-condoms, if you have any."

"Lots!" Dildo found himself answering, to his own surprise; and he found himself scuttling off, too, to the dungeon to grab lube, and to the pantry to fetch two beautiful round dildos which he had used that afternoon for his after-supper wank. When he got back Balls and Dicklin were fucking at the table like old friends (as a matter of fact they were brothers). Dildo plumped down the Viagra and the dildos in front of them, when loud came a ring at the bell again, and then another ring.

Gaydalf for certain this time, he thought as he wanked along the passage. But it was not. It was two more dwarves, both with blue g-strings, silver belts, and yellow beards; and each of them carried a bag of condoms and a dildo. In they hopped, as soon as the door began to open; Dildo was hardly surprised at all.

"What can I do for you, my dwarves?" he said.  
"Kock at your service!" said the one. And "Feely" added the other; and they both swept off their G-strings and wanked.  
"At yours and your family's." replied Dildo, remembering his manners this time.  
"Dicklin and Balls here already, I see," said Kock. "Let us join the orgy!"  
"Orgy!" thought Mr Faggins. "I don't like the sound of that. I really must sit down for a minute and collect my magazines, and have a wank."

He had only just had a fap in the corner, while the four dwarves humped around the table, and tried moves like doggy style and reverse cowgirl and discussed the troubles with the strippers, and the raping of elves, and lots of other things which he did not understand, and did not want to, for they sounded much too dirty-when, ding-dong-a-ling-a dang, his bell rang again, as if some naughty little Whorebit-boy was trying to jizz on the handle. "Someone at the door!" he said, blinking.

"Some four, I should say by the sound," said Feely. "Besides, we saw them coming along behind us in the distance."

The horny little Whorebit sat down in the hall and put his dick in his hands, and wondered what had happened, and what was going to happen, and whether they would all stay to the strip tease. Then the bell rang again louder than ever, and he had to run to the door. It was not four after all, it was FIVE. Another dwarf had come along while he was wondering in the hall. He had hardly turned the knob, before they were all inside, wanking and saying at your service one after another. Dick, Niglet, Horni, Ova, and Groin were their names; and very soon two purple G-strings, a grey G-string, a brown G-string, and a white G-string were hanging on the pegs, and off they marched with their broad dicks in their hands to join the others. Already it had almost become a gangbang. Some called for anal, and some for porn and one for cock, and all of them for condoms; so the Whorebit was kept very busy for a while. A big jug of jizz bad just been set in the hearth, the condoms were gone, and the dwarves were starting on round six of their orgy, when there came-a loud knock. Not a ring, but a hard rat-tat on the Whorebit's beautiful green door. Somebody was banging with a dick!

Dildo rushed along the passage, very horny, and altogether bewildered and pissed off. This was the most awkward Wednesday he ever remembered. He pulled open the door with a jerk, and they all fell in, humping one on top of the other. More dwarves, four more! And there was Gaydalf behind, leaning on his dick and laughing. He had made quite a stain on the beautiful door; he had also, by the way, knocked out the secret jizz stain that he had jizzed there the morning before. "Watch what you're fucking doing you bloody idiot!" he said. "It is not like you, Dildo, to keep customers waiting on the mat, and then open the door like pulling out an anal bead! Let me introduce Bitchass, Bollocks, Boner, and especially Thundercunt!"

"At your service!" said Bitchass, Bollocks, and Boner standing in a row. Then they hung up two yellow G-strings and a pale green one; and also a sky-blue one with a long silver tassel. This last belonged to Thundercunt, an enormously important dwarf, in fact no other than the great Thundercunt Ovaryshield himself, who was not at all pleased at falling flat on Dildo's mat with Bitchass, Bollocks, and Boner humping on top of him. For one thing Boner was immensely fat and heavy. Thundercunt indeed was very horny, and said nothing about service; but poor Mr. Faggins said he was sorry so many times, that at last Thundercunt grunted "Shut the fuck up!," and stopped frowning. "Now we are all here!" said Gaydalf, looking at the row of thirteen G-strings-the best detachable party condoms-and his own hat hanging on the pegs. "Quite a horny gathering! I hope there is something Viagra and condoms for the latecomers to take and use! What's that? Chocolate- Flavoured Condom! No thank you! A little Mint Flavoured one, I think, for me." "And for me," said Thundercunt. "And raspberry flavoured and appletart flavoured," said Bitchass. "And mince-pies and cheese flavour," said Bollocks. "And pork-pie and salad flavour," said Boner. "And more Viagra and dildos and condoms, if you don't mind," called the other dwarves through the door.

"Put on a few strap-ons, there's a good fellow!" Gaydalf called after him, as the Whorebit stumped off to the dungeon. "And just bring out the blow up doll and fish net stockings!"

"Seems to know as much about the inside of my dungeons as I do myself!" thought Mr. Faggins, who was feeling extremely pissed off, and was beginning to wonder whether a most wretched sex adventure had not come right into his Brothel. By the time he had got all the bottles of jizz, dildos, strap-ons and condoms and Viagra and plates and toys and things piled up on big trays, he was getting very hard, and erect in his pants, and horny. "Screw and fuck these dwarves!" he said aloud. Why don't they fucking come and lend a hand?" Lo and behold! There stood Balls and Dicklin at the door of the kitchen, and Feely and Kock behind them, and before he could say "FUCK!" they had whisked the trays and a couple of beds into the bedroom and set out everything afresh. Gaydalf sat at the head of the party with the thirteen, dwarves all round: and Dildo sat on a stool at the fireside, wanking to a magazine (his arousal was quite taken away), and trying to look as if this was all perfectly ordinary and, not in the least a sex adventure.

The dwarves fucked and fucked, and wanked and wanked, and time got on. At last they pulled their dicks back, and Dildo made a move to collect the used condoms and dildos. "I suppose you will all stay to the strip tease?" He said in his politest unpressing tones.

"No shit!" said Thuundercunt. "And after. We shan't get through the gangbang till late, and we must have some music first. Now to clear up!"

Thereupon the twelve dwarves, not Thundercunt, he was too important, and stayed wanking with Gaydalf, jumped to their feet and made tall piles of all the things. Off they went, not waiting for trays, balancing columns of dildos, condoms, popped blow up dolls while the Whorebit ran after them almost squeaking with fright: "Please be careful! And, don't you fucking dare break anything, don't trouble! I can manage." But the dwarves only started to sing:

Spill the condoms and crack the fat!

Pop the dolls and bend the dildos!

That's what Dildo Faggins hates,

Smash the jizz bottles and burn the toys!

Cut the fishnets and rip the mags!

Pour the cum on the dungeon floor!

Leave the pubes on the bedroom mat!

Splash the jizz on every door!

Dump the toys in a boiling bowl;

Pound them up with a stripper pole;

And when you've finished, if any are whole,

Send them down the hall to roll!

That's what Dildo Faggins hates!

So, carefully! Carefully with the toys!

And of course they did none of these dreadful things, and everything was cleaned and put away safe as quick as a rabbit's orgasm, while the Whorebit was turning round and round in the middle of the bedroom trying to see what they were doing. Then they went back, and found Thundercunt with his dick on the fender smoking a bong. He was blowing the most enormous cum loads, and wherever he shot one, it went-up the chimney, or behind the clock on the mantelpiece, or under the table, or round and round the ceiling; but wherever it went it was not quick enough to escape Gaydalf. Pop! He sent a smaller cum shot from his long, hard, gnarly old dick straight through each one of Thundercunts. Then Gaydalf's cum shot would go green and come back to explode all over the wizard's head. He had quite a cloud of them about him already, and in the dim light it made him look strange and sorcerous.

Dildo stood still and watched-he loved jizz globs, and then be blushed, to think how proud he had been yesterday morning of the jizz blobs he had sent up the wind over The Hood.

"Now for some music!" said Thundercunt. "Bring out the instruments!" Kock and Feely rushed for their bags and brought back little fiddles; Dick, Niglet, and Horni brought out flutes from somewhere inside their arses; Boner produced a drum from the hall; Bitchass and Bollocks went out too, and came back with clarinets that they had left among the dildos. Dicklin and Balls said: "Excuse me; I left mine in the porch!" "Just bring mine in with you," said Thundercunt. They came back with viols as big as themselves, and with Thundercunt's harp wrapped in a green condom. It was a beautiful golden harp, and when Thundercunt humped it the music began all at once, so sudden and arousing that Dildo grew a massive 6 inch and forgot everything else, and was swept away into dark lands under strange moons, far over The Water and very far from his Brothel under The Hood. The dark came into the room from the little window that opened in the side of The Hood; the firelight flickered-it was April-and still they played on, while the shadow of Gaydalf's dick wagged against the wall. The dark filled all the room, and the fire died down, and the shadows were lost, and still they played on. And suddenly first one and then another began to sing as they played, deep-throated singing of the dwarves in the deep places of their ancient strip clubs; and this is like a fragment of their song, if it can be like their song without their music.

Far over the massive penises sticky

To sex dungeons deep and glory holes old

We must away ere break of day

To seek the toys and drugs

The dwarves of yore made mighty toys,

While hammers fell like ringing bells

In places deep, where dirty things fuck,

In hollow clubs beneath the fells

For ancient king and elvish lord

There many a dirty hoard

They shaped and wrought, and light they caught

To hide in gems on hilt of dildo.

On silver bongs they strung

The flowering stars, on cigars

The dragon-sperm, in twisted wire

They meshed the light of moon and sun.

Far over the massive penises sticky

To sex dungeons deep and glory holes old

We must away, ere break of day,

To claim our long-forgotten stash

Dildos they carved there for themselves

And condoms of gold; where no man delves

There lay there long, and many a wank

Was wanked unheard by men or elves,

The pines were roaring on the height,

The sluts were moaning in the night.

The pubes were red, his anus bled;

The trees like torches biased with light,

The bells were ringing in the dale

And men looked up with faces pale;

The dragon's penis more fierce than fire

Laid low their towers and houses frail,

The mountain was sticky beneath the moon;

The dwarves, they heard the squirt of doom.

They fled their hall to dying -fall

Beneath his dick, beneath the moon.

Far over the massive penises grim

To sex dungeons deep and glory holes dim

We must away, ere break of day,

To win our drugs and toys from him!

As they sang the Whorebit felt the love of dirty things made by hands and by cunning and by magic moving through him, a fierce and jealous love, the desire of the hearts of dwarves. Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great penises, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the sex dungeons, and wear a strap-on instead of a walking-stick. He looked out of the window. The stars were out in a dark sky above the trees. He thought of the marijuana, of the dwarves smoking in dark caverns. Suddenly in the wood beyond The Water a white glob leapt up, probably somebody was climaxing-and he thought of plundering dragons settling on his quiet Hood and ejaculating all over it. He shuddered; and very quickly he was plain Mr Faggins of The Brothel, Red Light District again.

He got up trembling. He had less than half a mind to fetch the lamp, and more than half a mind to pretend to, and go and hide behind the sex dolls in the dungeon, and not come out again until all the dwarves had gone away. Suddenly he found that the music and the singing had stopped, and they were all ogling at him with eyes shining in the dark.

"Where the fuck are you going?" said Thundercunt, in a tone that seemed to show that he guessed both halves of the Whorebit's mind.

"What about a little light?" said Dildo apologetically.

"We like the dark," said the dwarves. "Dark for dark and dirty business! There are many hours before dawn."

"Of course!" said Dildo, and sat down in a hurry. He missed the stool and sat in the fender, knocking over the poker, shovel and strap-on with a crash.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Gaydalf. "Let Thundercunt speak!"

And this is how Thundercunt began.

"Gaydalf, dwarves and Mr Faggins! We are not together in the Brothel of our friend and fellow conspirator, this most excellent and audacious Whorebit-may the hair in his crotch never fall out! All praise to his jizz and Viagra!"

He paused for breath and for a polite remark from the Whorebit, but the compliments were quite lost on horny Dildo Faggins, who was wanking his dick in protest at being called audacious and worst of all fellow conspirator, though no noise came out, he was so flummoxed. So Thundercunt went on:

"We are met to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices. We shall soon before the break of day start on our long journey, a journey from which some of us, or perhaps all of us (except our friend and counsellor, the ingenious wizard Gaydalf) may never return. It is a solemn moment. Our object is, I take it, well known to us all. To the estimable Mr Faggins, and perhaps to one or two of the younger dwarves (I think I should be right in naming Kock and Feely, for instance), the exact situation at the moment may require a little brief explanation."

This was Thundercunt's style. He was an important dwarf. If he had been allowed, he would probably have gone on like this until he was out of breath, without telling anyone there anything that was not known already. But he was rudely interrupted. Poor Dildo couldn't bear it any longer. At may never return he began to feel a shriek coming up inside, and very soon it burst out like the jizz of a dick coming out of the tip. All the dwarves sprang up knocking over the table. Gaydalf struck a glob of jizz out the end of his massive dick, and in its white glare the poor little Whorebit could be seen kneeling on the hearth-rug, humping like a rabbit that was horny. Then he fell flat on the floor, and kept on calling out "Struck by jizz, struck by jizz!" over and over again; and that was all they could get out of him for a long time. So they took him and laid him out of the way on the bed with a drink of jizz at his elbow, and they went back to their dark and dirty business.

"Horny little fellow," said Gaydalf, as they sat down again. "Gets dirty, queer urges, but he is one of the best, one of the best-as horny as a dragon getting sucked."

If you have ever seen a dragon being sucked, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any Whorebit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullraper, who was so huge (for a Whorebit) that he could rape a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Gol-firnbul's head clean off with his dick. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment. In the meanwhile, however, Bullraper's hornier descendant was reviving in the drawing-room.

After a wank and a drink he crept nervously to the door of the parlour. This is what he heard, Groin speaking: "Fuck!" (or some snort more or less like that). "Will he do, do you think? It is all very well for Gaydalf to talk about this Whorebit being fierce and horny, but one shriek like that in a moment of orgasmic excitement would be enough to wake the dragon and all his relatives, and rape the lot of us. I think it sounded more like fright than excitement! In fact, if it bad not been for the jizz stain on the door, I should have been sure we had come to the wrong brothel. As soon as I clapped eyes on the little fellow wanking and cumming on the mat, I had my doubts. He looks more like a pussy-than a burglar!"

Then Mr. Faggins turned the handle and went in. The Took side had won. He suddenly felt he would go without bed and porn to be thought fierce. As for little fellow cumming on the mat it almost made him really horny. Many a time afterwards the Faggins part regretted what he did now, and he said to himself: "Dildo, you were a fucktard; you walked right in and put your dick in it."

"Pardon me," he said, "If I have overheard words that you were saying. I don't pretend to understand what the fuck you are talking about, or your reference to burglars, but I think I am right in believing" (this is what he called being on his dignity) "that you think I am no good. I will show you. I have no stains on my door-it was painted a week ago, and I am quite sure you have come to the wrong brothel. As soon as I saw your retarded faces on the door-step, I had my doubts. But treat it as the right one. Tell me what you want done, and I will try it, if I have to jizz from here to the East of East and rape the wild Were-worms in the Last Desert. I had a great-great-great-granduncle once, Bullraper Took, and…."

"Yes, yes, but that was long ago," said Groin. "I was talking about you. And I assure you there is a stain on this door-the usual one in the trade, or used to be. Horny burglar wants a good job, plenty of Excitement, sex and reasonable Reward, that's how it is usually read. You can say Expert Treasure Humper instead of Burglar if you like. Some of them do. We don't give a shit. Gaydalf told us that there was a man of the sort in these parts looking for a job at once, and that he had arranged for a meeting here this Wednesday stripper-time.

"Of course there is a mark," said Gaydalf. "I jizzed there myself. For very good reasons. You asked me to find the fourteenth man for your expedition, and I chose Mr. Faggins. Just let anyone say I chose the wrong man or the wrong brothel, and you can stop at thirteen and have all the bad luck you like, or go back to rubbing coal on your dicks."

He scowled so angrily at Groin that the dwarf huddled back in his chair; and when Dildo tried to open his zipper to ejaculate in Groin's face, he turned and frowned at him and stuck out his bushy pubes, 'till Dildo shut his zipper tight with a snap. "That's right," said Gaydalf. "You'd better shut the fuck up and have no more argument. I have chosen Mr. Faggins and that ought to be enough for all of you. If I say he is a Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will be when the time comes. There is a lot more in him than you guess, and a deal more than he has any idea of himself. You may (possibly) all live to thank me yet. Now Dildo, my boy, move your fat arse and fetch the lamp, and let's have little light on this!

On the table in the light of a big lamp with a red shad he spread a piece of parchment rather like a map.  
"This was made by Thror, your grandfather, Thundercunt," he said in answer to the dwarves' excited questions. "It is a plan of the Mountain."

"How the fuck is this supposed to help us?" said Thundercunt disappointedly after a glance.  
"I remember the Mountain well enough and the lands about it. And I know where Mingewood is, and the Withered Heath where the horny dragons fucked."

"There is a dragon marked in red on the Mountain," said Balls, "but it will be easy enough to find him without that, if ever we arrive there."

"There is one point that you haven't noticed," Said the wizard, "and that is the secret entrance. You see that rune on the West side, and the penis pointing to it from the other runes? That marks a hidden passage to the Lower Halls.

"It may have been secret once," said Thundercunt, "but how do we know that it is secret any longer? That fucking dickhead Splooge had lived there long enough now to find out anything there is to know about those caves."  
"He may, but he can't have used it for years and years. "

"Why?"

"Because it is too small. Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast say the runes, but Splooge could not creep into a hole that size, not even when he was a young dragon, certainly not after molesting and devouring so many of the dwarves and men of Dale."

"It seems a great big hole to me," squeaked Dildo (who had no experience of dragons and only of Whorebit-holes) He was getting excited and aroused again, so that he forgot to keep his mouth shut. He loved maps, and in his hall there hung a large one of the Country Round with all his favourite walks marked on it in red ink.  
"How could such a large door be kept secret from everybody outside, apart from the dragon?" he asked.  
He was only a little hobbit you must remember.

"My god you are a fucktard! In lots of ways," said Gaydalf. "But in what way this one has been hidden we don't know without going to see. From what it says on the map I should guess there is a closed door which has been made to look exactly like the side of the Mountain. That is the usual dwarves' sneaky arse rape method- I think that is right, isn't it?  
"No shit!" said Thundercunt

"Also," went on Gaydalf, "I forgot to mention that with the map went a key, a small and smelly key. Here it is!" he said, and handed to Thundercunt a key in the shape of a penis, made of silver. "Keep it safe!"

"No shit I will. What the fuck do you think I'm going to do? Shove it up my arse?" said Thundercunt, and he opened his scrotum and stuffed the key inside. "Now things begin to look more hopeful. This news alters them much for-the better. So far we have had no fucking idea what to do. We thought of going East, as quiet and careful as we could, as far as the Long Lake. After that the trouble and rape would begin."  
"A long time before that, if I know anything about the loads East," interrupted Gaydalf.

"We might go from there up along the River Cumming," went on Thundercunt taking no notice, "and so to the ruins of Gayle-the old town in the valley there, under the shadow of the Mountain. But we all fucking hated the idea of the Front Gate. The river runs right out of it through the great cliff at the South of the Mountain, and out of it comes the dragon too-far too often, unless he has changed."

"That would be no good," said the wizard, "not without a horny Warrior, even a Hero. I tried to find one; but warriors are busy fucking one another in distant lands, and in this neighbourhood heroes are scarce, or simply lot to be found. Swords in these parts are mostly blunt, and axes are used for dildos, and shields as butt-plugs or dish-covers; and dragons are comfortably far-off (and therefore legendary). That is why I settled on burglary-especially when I remembered the existence of a Side-door. And here is our little Dildo Faggins, the burglar, the chosen and selected burglar. So now let's hurry the fuck up and make some plans!"

"Very well then," said Thundercunt, "supposing the burglar-expert gives us some ideas or suggestions." He turned with mock-politeness to Dildo.

"First I should like to know a bit more about things," said he, feeling all confused and a bit shaky inside, but so far still lookishly determined to go on with things. "I mean about the gold, the drugs and the dragon, and all that, and how it got there, and who it belongs to, and so on and further."

"Fuck me!" said Thundercunt, "haven't you got a map? And didn't you hear our song? And haven't we been fucking talking about all this for hours!?"

"All the same, I should like it all plain and clear," said he obstinately, putting on his smartass manner (usually reserved for people who tried to borrow money off him), and doing his best to appear wise and prudent and professional and live up to Gaydalf's recommendation. "Also I should like to know about risks, out-of-pocket expenses, time required and remuneration, and so forth"-by which he meant: "What am I going to get out of it? Will I be raped? And am I going to come back alive?"

"O fine then you fucktard," said Thundercunt. "Long ago in my grandfather Thror's time our family as driven out of the far North, and came back with all their wealth, drugs and their tools to this mountain on the map. It had been discovered by my far ancestor, Thrain the Old, but now they mined and they tunnelled and they made huger halls and greater bedrooms-and in addition I believe they found a good deal of gold and a great many drugs too. Anyway they grew immensely rich, horny and famous, and my grandfather was Sex-Lord under the Mountain again and treated with great reverence by the mortal men, who lived to the South, and were gradually spreading up the Running River as far as the valley overshadowed by the Mountain. They built the sex town of Jale there in those days where one must never drop the soap. Kings used to send for our prostitutes, and reward even the least skilful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as sex-slaves, and pay us handsomely, especially in drug-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to screw strange things just for the fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical sex toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days. So my grandfather's halls became full of armour, drugs, used condoms and jewels and carvings and cups, and the sex toy-market of Jale was the wonder of the North.

"Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold, virginities and drugs, you know, from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically forever, unless they are raped), and never enjoy a brass dildo of it. Indeed they hardly know a good bit of work from a bad, though they usually have a good notion of the current market value; and they can't make a thing for themselves, not even mend a little loose pube of their scrotum. There were lots of dragons in the North in those days, and dildoes was probably getting scarce up there, with the dwarves flying south or getting raped, and all the general waste and destruction that dragons make going from bad to worse. There was a most specially greedy,horny, strong and wicked worm called Splooge. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The first we heard of it was a noise like an elephant cuming, and the pine-trees on the Mountain creaking and cracking in the wind. Some of the dwarves who happened to be outside (I was one luckily -a fine rapist lad in those days, always wandering about, and it saved my life that day)-well, from a good way off we saw the dragon settle on our mountain in a spout of jizz. Then he came all over the slopes and when he reached the woods they all were covered in jizz. By that time all the bells were ringing in Jale and the warriors were arming. The dwarves rushed out of their great gate; but there was the dragon waiting for them. None escaped that way. The river rushed up in steam and a cum fell on Jale, and in the fog the dragon came all over them and destroyed most of the warriors-the usual dirty story, it was only too common in those days. Then he went back and crept in through the Front Gate and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After that there were no dwarves left as virgins or alive inside, and he took all their wealth for himself. Probably, for that is the dragons' way, he has piled it all up in a great heap far inside, and sleeps on it for a bed. Later he used to crawl out of the great gate and come by night to Jale, and carry away people, especially maidens, to rape, until Jale was ruined, and all the people were either raped or dead. What goes on there now I don't know for certain, but I don't suppose anyone lives nearer to the Mountain than the far edge of the Schlong Lake now-a-days.

"The few of us that were well outside sat and wept in hiding, and cursed Splooge; and there we were unexpectedly joined by my father and my grandfather with singed beards. They looked very grim but they said very little. When I asked how they had got away, they told me to hold my tongue, and said that one day in the proper time I should know. After that we went away, and we have had to earn our livings as best we could up and down the lands, often enough sinking as low as blacksmith-work or even coalmining. But we have never forgotten our stolen treasure. And even now, when I will allow we have a good bit laid by and are not so badly off"-here Thorin stroked the gold chain round his neck

That's all for now! I hoped you enjoyed it so far and I will hopefully have some more finished soon!


End file.
